Middle of the week; Happy Wednesday to you all! It’s taken me about three good attempts to get this post written. Is it going to be that epic or that complicated? I really doubt it. I’m not entirely sure why it’s been such an odyssey to put fingertip to keypad, but here I am and I hope that I feel the creativity connection this time.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever felt like this, but for whatever reason, I would have been more capable of pushing our Chevy HHR down the road left in park than get a few simple words out about what my workout routine and eating has been like. It’s not like a difficult workout is looming ahead and I’m finding excuses not to write. It’s just a very impotent feeling. I really really want to weite and be witty, but all that comes out is stuffy drivel. We both deserve more than that.
Last night I decided to sit down and do a free writing exercise that I have my students do when they are brainstorming ideas for writing projects. I use “stream of consciousness” when doing free-writes…whatever comes to mind, no matter how odd or off topic it may seem, WRITE IT. It went something like this:
So it’s Tuesday night and you haven’t really blogged anything for the past few days. I’m not really sure what the hold up is, but nothing is coming out. I’m not afraid that I don’t have anything worth writing about or embarrassed about any decisions that I made that I wouldn’t want to share with anyone. I am pretty much done with my irritable attitude linked to LOVELY PMS.
I’m actually quite proud of my workout on Monday, my long run on Sunday, and my 4 miles today. I haven’t binged in over three months…yes, I just admitted that…oh boy….that could open up a whole new can of worms. I don’t know that I really want to write about that in my blog. I’ve got enough stress right now. What am I stressing about? Oh gee, let me think. I’m only moving back to Alaska in less than a week now. Saturday is looming ahead.
I’ve started our “Farewell tour” with friends and family – you know, the last time we’ll see you for months and months, maybe even a year. The last haircut, the last doctor appointment, the last time eating at this restaurant, the last round of golf for Dear Hubby….oh right! The tears are flowing now. That’s got to be it. Am I a total emotional droid in not being able to make that connection?? My blog documents my life and I haven’t really addressed the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on these past two weeks associated with going back to work. I am really excited to be going back to work, back to MY house, to see my AK friends, and students and co-workers, to go back to normalcy and schedule. But I’m also dreading leaving my home, my family, my friends, my Mom, and the lifestyle I’ve known to be uninterrupted until last year at this time. It’s SO much easier this summer than last year. I didn’t have many solid answers in 2010, and I was a one-month old married lady at the time. And I’ve been avoiding writing about the emotional part of heading back because it does get a little sad and not so real if I don’t acknowledge it. I tend to be like that; not totally dive into whatever emotional issue is in front of me, keep that stoic stiff upper lip, and it’ll be ok. Then inevitably, it all comes out, usually in sobs and snotty tissues.
Behind closed doors, of course. But what is different this time is that I know what it’s like to miss home and balance my life. I know that in a few short months, my parents will be on St. Paul Island, visiting Dear Hubby and I. And a few short months after that, we’ll be home for Christmas, and then the second semester will fly by. I have so many wonderful things to look forward to – my friends, my job, my students, started a graduate program.
PHEW! That felt so much better. I’m really glad that I got that off my chest, out of my system, and that damn monkey is off my back. Sorry that this entry was so sappy/emotional/self-indulgent but hey, it’s my blog and this is my life and I thank you for allowing me to vent. =) Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to finish my blueberry smoothie and coffee – recipe for disaster on the treadmill later. ZING!